Stuff is happening.

I have not posted anything in a very long time. Let's see. Well, I'm 48 years old. I'm divorced now for 5 years. I work at a Unitarian Universalist Church. I do the child care and the office administrator job. In May I also began work as a secretary? for a counseling office. So, I have 3 part-time jobs. Ok. Finally I am working full time. I also make my art and raise my kids.
My older brother is living with me and my kids. It's nice to have an adult around. Also a little extra for rent has been very helpful.
Tomorrow I am getting a lumpectomy. I am very nervous and scared. My brothers and aunt have been very supportive. My friends at church are also so caring and nice. It's nice to have people lean on in a physical/emotional crisis. I have to go in bright and early. It is an outpatient procedure. I have atypical cells in an area with calcification. Hopefully that is the extent of it. It's a fairly large area. So I'm nervous. I already said that.
I have had to wait for a month to get this surgery because various things kept happening. I got an MRI with contrast. I had an ultrasound on my right breast but that turned out okay. So this lumpectomy is happening to lefty. I actually do not have names for my breasts, but lefty sounds kind of perky, right? Hardy har har. Anyway, all this waiting has set into motion me dying my hair three different times. I tried to go lighter. It was an orange catastrophe so I was able to dye it back to dark brown. I was growing out my hair and it was to my shoulders. I asked my daughter to give me a trim. No, she is not a trained hairstylist. I now have a bob again. Oh, well at least I don't have damaged ends from all the hair dye. I've cried on and off.
Was prescribed medication to ease my anxiety. It's working thank god!
So tomorrow is the day. I've laundered everything in my room. I even washed my shower curtain. I sprayed liberal amounts of lysol. The nurse mentioned staff infection and bacteria in general so I am just being extra careful.

My Purpose In Life? aka My Mind is a Scary Place

What is my true purpose in life?

I don't know.

This is dumb.

Living life.

Making money?

To be free.

Being creative and fun.

Having pretty stuff and a pretty house

Looking hot in a bikini

Finding a man

Having friends and loved ones who are by my side no matter what.

Taking care of my kids.

Being the best person I can be

Becoming a ninja

Being sarcastic and snarky

My true purpose in life is...

I got nothin'

Did I mention this is stupid?

To grind my enemies into dust. Wa ha ha!

Painting

Being the greatest artist who ever lived!

I want to be loved for who I am warts and all.

My purpose is to get my shit together because my life is a mess right now. I barely have a job. I am scraping by month to month. This is no way to live. What the fuck am I doing? What am I supposed to be doing? Is this my quest? Am I in the dark forest of despair looking for light to guide me out? Am I my own light? Snap my fingers and flame lights upon my fingers. It doesn't burn. It illuminates the way. I am picking my way slowly so I don't stumble and fall. I am scratched and bruised. My clothes are torn, but I keep going. How did I end up alone on this journey? I remember. No one wanted to go on this quest with me. I chose it. I didn't belong where I was.

What the fuck was that?

It felt good though.

What is my true purpose in life?

To never feel comfortable and safe.

To struggle and push.

Finding what I am made of.

Partaay!

No.

There's the snarky part again.

My purpose is to live life that feels authentic.

My purpose is to be annoyed by ignorance and hatred.

My purpose is to be a super hero. Fight for truth, justice and the American way.

Right wrongs.

To feel nervous and weird. To be different and not fit in. To somehow keep stumbling, but thinking if I am true to myself someone will recognize me and smile. They will like what they see. They will want to help me. They will be on my side. My companion.

My purpose is to work retail and stand on my feet all day so that I can barely walk after my shift is over. To go to college and still be a loser who can't find a job. Hello snarky how are you?

My purpose is to be me and to have an authentic life. My purpose is to just be the best me I can be. That may include trying to look hot in a bathing suit. Ha!

My purpose in life is to be authentic and see the funny side of life. To laugh even when I want to cry. To make an inappropriate joke at the right time. To smile and laugh.

Oh my gosh! I'm Spider-Man! Shy and nice, but I have my snarky wisecracking side. Now I need a super power.

Fight the good fight

My purpose in life is to protect others. To be a good person. To be the nice girl despite people trying to tell me to be something else.

My purpose in life is to be authentic and good. To be an example of authenticity. To make pretty stuff that makes me smile. To share that pretty stuff with others.

I'm beautiful dammit!

I am running out of stuff. I am stuck.

What is my purpose in Life?

Arrrrrrrrr

Stupid

I don't know.

I am a good person

My purpose in life is to be with my kids. To draw and paint stuff. To be a pain in the ass. To question stuff. To be uncomfortable.

To grow and learn. To become more of who I am. To be curious about the world. To laugh and share friendship. To be silly. To be strong. To be independent. To come out of the dark forest a better person. To be my own light in the darkness.

To be my own light in the darkness. To help others find their light?

My purpose is to glow.

My purpose is to shine.

To laugh in the face of danger and hardship. Ha ha ha...

I'm Batman

I'm Shannon

I am a nerd.

My purpose in life is to be a light in the darkness. To laugh. To cry. To be angry. To never give up. To keep going. I am strong. I will not be defeated. You can't make me fall.

My purpose is to be strong.

My purpose is to fight

My purpose is to be a light in the darkness. To protect the less fortunate. To stand up to evil and indifference.

What is my purpose in life?

To be shy and feel helpless. No. just writing to write.

I was interupted with this train of thought and I don't like this it is making me crazy

Stupid purpose in life

Stupid stuff being whiney and angry. Leave me alone! This sucks. Grrrrrr.

My purpose is sarcasm and being judgemental. Are you going to wear that?

My purpose is to live my life with authenticity. I am nice, silly, stronger than I think, and brave. I am willing to face hardship to do what I think is right. To stand up for my beliefs. Sure I take lots of naps. The world can be so overwhelming. I am authentic. That keeps coming up.

Authentic, brave, silly, and loving.

My purpose is to find beauty and be enthusiatic about it. To notice beautiful things. To be joyful in the beauty of life. To explore and learn and share.

My purpose in life is to be authentic, enthusiastic, and curious. My purpose is to learn about my place in the world. To share my enthusiasm for the beauty of life. To share laughter with others. To be curious and keep learning.

My purpose is to be a total spaz about what I like and to share it with others. My enthusiasm is contagious. To unabashedly enjoy life. To be silly and fun. To be gentle and goofy.

My purpose is to struggle with myself.

What? That's rediculous. Why would I do that? Because I am not happy with myself? No. I just want to be loved for who I am. My purpose is to learn to be the best me I can. Uh, that would be authenticity. That keeps coming up.

Am I getting anywhere with this?

I'm tired. I want to go to bed or watch tv.

Quiet strength and kindness. Shy but funny. Curious but cautious. Skeptical but Hopeful. Sensitive but judgemental. Learning to be compassionate. Learning patience. Learning independence.

Quiet strength and resolve.

I am enough.

I have a right to take my place in this world.

My purpose is to take my place in this world. To be authentic and true.

My purpose is to a light in this world. To be a flame in the darkness.

This is making my stomach roil. What the hell am I saying?

I was more comfortable with the jokes.

Am I a light? Am I a warrior?

WTF?

My purpose is to a light of authenticity. What? Does that make sense? I'm getting a headache.

My prupose is to make pretty stuff that people can like. It will make them smile and see the beauty of the world in a little object. Because I made something with the way I see the world. I will share myself with people through my art.

I will share myself with people through my art. I will show them what the world looks like to me.

I will make them smile and see the beauty of the world in a a little silly object that will make them smile.

My purpose is to make toeh people happy with my art Tha share myself with theem with my stuff I make. It could be sily and small but that is okay.

I will share myself with people through my art. It will make them smile and see the beauty of the world in a little object. I will light them up inside. Iwill light myself up inside. Little pieces of myself to share.

My purpose is to share myself with people through my art. Make silly little objects of beauty that make people smile and light up.

My purpose in life is to share myself in my art. To make stuff that makes people smile.

Okay this sounds crazy. Sigh....

Make stuff

make pretty stuff

make stuf

My purpose is to make stuff.

This question is pisssing me off.

My purpose is to get annoyed at this question and throw a tantrum.

To be nervouse and scared. No to be strong and creative.

To make stuff that will make people smile and feel happy. To make things that are light hearted and fun. To show beauty and creativity. Silly and fun. Make people smile.

My purpose is to have fun and laugh.

To win the lottery

to win stuff

to get a foot rub

to make jokes

to never get this right

purpose

purpose

purpose

purpose

purpose

be me.

INFP

Reading a lot of stuff about INFP personality type. That is what I am. Being creative and being in the arts is high on the list for INFP careers but doesn't pay very well. A counselor or therapist is good to. Basically I have to have a strong conviction to make the work worthwhile to me. I am also sensitive and not competitive. 
Maybe therapy or counseling. I feel like my age and the things I have been through in my life make me empathetic toward others hardships (I even feel love and empathy for my Mother and I was angry for a few years). I have done a lot of soul searching and working on myself in the last few years. People joke that therapists are screwed up and that is why they got into therapy. That may be true but I don't think I would want a therapist who had never dealt with hardship tragedy or sadness of some sort. They wouldn't understand what their patients had been through. Okay, I will have to go into research mode to look into therapy. I want to take care of myself and my kids. I will never give up on my art. I just need a career that will sustain me and my kids. I will also meditate and pray on it to. That is part of my giving control over to my higher power. I have been working on that.

I want the world to have the feeling of this painting. Beautiful, peaceful, happy, flowing.That is probably kind of dorky. That is me also. Kind of dorky. I like to be silly and have fun. I want other people to feel silly and have fun to. I need to surround myself with more people who are happy, nurturing and fun.

Who I am.

So it's 9:20 pm on a Monday night. I just had a shower after rearranging furniture in my house and watching season 2 of Teen Wolf. Exciting eh? Let me tell you about myself. I am a 46 year old woman who likes shows like Teen Wolf, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Sherlock, Angel and Supernatural. I am a nerd. Not a smart techy nerd more a pop culture nerd. 

I have been drawing since I was a little kid. At first it was horses. I was in first thru fourth grade for that. Then it was Star Wars and comic books for inspiration. I made up imaginary characters in the Star Wars universe and also made a lot of fashion drawing with knee high boots and blasters on the hip. Avengers and X-Men were so awesome! More high boots but with heels! Except for Ms. Marvel and Kitty Pryde, I always wanted to be female versions of the male characters. They seemed to have a lot more fun. 

I am nostalgic about Star Wars, but let's face the last 3 movies sucked royally. I am actually a little hopeful about Disney owning it because they might make a good movie. I don't know.

So I am older now, but I still feel like a young person. I have two kids of my own. I love to watch Avatar, TMNT and spongebob. That stuff makes me laugh. I like Monster High dolls and I make my own cloth dolls. As you have seen in my posts. My son loves Mario Bros., TMNT, Batman, Iron-Man and legos. 

 This is a Samus Doll I made for ,my son, Cole.

This is a Grrr I made for, my daughter, Tara's friend.

I wrote this post because I want to blog and share my work with people. I am trying to reach out but I am never quite sure what to blog about. Well, this is me...

Me and Cole

I am divorced(three years ago) and still single. I have a right to take my place in this world. That is one of my daily affirmations.I am fat. I wear glasses. I am growing my hair out and I think about it way too much. I want to lose weight, eventually. I am just trying to like myself, now.

 This is a painting I was working on last night.

This is my gorgeous and funny daughter. Tara

That is enough about me. I would love to hear from people about anything pop culture, nerdy or my art. Thanks. Have a good night.

Dreams

I have this reoccurring dream over the last few years. 

It is about a house that my former in-laws live in. Not their actual house. The house in my dream. It is a house on a hill surrounded by trees. Their house is normal but their back yard is huge and if you go around to the back of the house there is a door. This door is to part of the house you don't see. It is full of rooms and weird bathrooms with giant bathtubs. There are clothes and shoes and other household stuff. There is an indoor basketball court! It is just brimming with stuff! It isn't their stuff they tell me it was like this when they bought the house. I am always so intrigued and want to just go through everything. I always ask why they don't fix it up or explore it more and they just shrug and don't seem interested. They make me feel frustrated and a little jealous. I want to explore it more but they want to leave.

So the variation on this dream is that I want to show friends or family members because I think it is so cool. Sometimes I can and sometimes I can't. Another variation is that they remodel parts of their house and they find more room to expand because of the other part of the house. So I will be asking, " Was this here before?" or " Is that an extra room?" Very bizarre. My writing about it doesn't do it justice. I guess writing about dreams can do that. They are so difficult to describe. At least for me they are. 

What do you think it means? Does it mean anything? 
Maybe I can make some sort of board on Pinterest representing my dream. I would love to hear your opinions.

More dolls and wishing it were cooler.

More cloth dolls. These were made last year. I haven't made a doll in the last week. I need to make one because I am feeling the itch. I haven't sewn or anything and it makes me crazy after a while. I am going to go see the Lone Ranger with a local steampunk group. I don't know if I will dress up. It is sooooo hot. Layers in this heat just sounds revolting.

 These are dolls I made. Lots of orange yellow and gold. It's funny because I don't wear colors like that because they look terrible on me. I think because it is hot outside. 102 degrees hot! With humidity! Humidity in Phoenix is just gross. It is bad enough to have the extreme heat but humidity to? Yuck! Anyway I start to think of Autumn weather and I love to make autumn dolls. It is my favorite time of year in Arizona. I want to be outside. Okay that is enough ranting.

Lydia

Lydia

 Lydia is a doll I sold a while ago. I just wanted to share her here on my blog.

 Her hair was made of black felt. Her legs were made with spider web patterned cotton fabric. So of course her whole outfit was black. I always thought she had an Edward Gorey feel to her. Or Winona Ryder from Betelguese.

 The story came from Pocomedia and Loopyboopy on the forums of Etsy. When Etsy had forums. So, when I sold the doll I wrote the story because it was too cute to not tell.

When the Autumn comes I become inspired to make dolls like Lydia.